so I find myself afraid to sign my permanent contract. The reason for this I assume is because I think I have a long standing and unwavering fear of commitment. I think that I probably never really noticed this but I actually do. I have to talk myself into commitment, sometimes I get thrown into it, but I always hesitate at the sight of it. Anything that presents a version of me signing myself into something I cannot willingly get out of anytime, anyhow and without any hassle well I fear it. I find myself questioning if this is what I really want to wake up and do everyday for the rest of my life. I question whether or not I should have taken my dads offer to work for him writing down data about his buses. I question if my salary is good enough or if I'm being cheated. There are a lot of things I question myself on, and I have no answers. I really do not know. I opened my contract envelop once, skimmed through everything and I quickly put it away because I'm afraid that I really can't sign it. I'm afraid to look at it, go through it. And then Jenny was like I really need to get inspired. Which I asked her what made her think I was not inspired, I prowl other blogs, ads, I read a lot and I'm writing more than I've ever before in my life. Why would she think I'm not inspired? Then I figured Cameron must have said something to her, who knows, but then sometimes I think I'm being compared living in the shadow of the great Jay-Ay. I told her that I am the way I am, I'm quiet, down to earth, the loudest thing about me is my laugh and just because I'm like that they can't judge me on my personality. I accept them the way they are and they should accept me the way I am. I'm not the fake smiles, jump around kind of person who rants on and on. I'm more like a still waters kind of person, you never know what I'm doing but you best believe I'm doing something.
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